Closing Thoughts for 2015

Wow.

This has been an incredible year.

And it's almost over. SAYWHAAATTT?!!!!

I've learnt some amazing stuff from God, He's gotten me through some rough patches, and blessed me with awesome ones. I've made new friends and finished school and made plans for next year.

As I look back on this year and prepare for the one ahead, I think a spoken-word outro from the For King and Country song "O God Forgive Us" sums up my thoughts:

“Run wild: To risk everything. To hold nothing back. To lay it all on the line- your reputation, your success, your comfort. It’s that moment when fear is overcome by faith.
Live free: It’s not the liberty to do whatever you want whenever and wherever you want. But rather it’s living in accordance with the Author of humanity, and finding freedom by connecting with the Creator who conceived you. Let the light flood into your eyes for the first time, feeling the blood course through your veins, finding the truest version of yourself by knowing the One who knows you even better than you know yourself.
Love strong: Because you were first loved. Because without love, we all perish. Because the earth and the stars can and will pass away, but love, love will always remain.″


Happy New Year and blessings for 2016!!
Cassie xoxoxo

Distraction on Christmas Day

Christmas was AWESOME at my house!!! I really, really enjoyed the day. I feel like we were able to remember the true meaning of Christmas, and celebrate well. It was so fun to have extended family together, eating and talking. It was so nice just to chill after Christmas lunch, take a nap with my brother, just relax.

However, there was a lot of little 'in-between' moments of time. You know, where there's no jobs to be done, and the adults are talking about something uninteresting, and the kids are all running around the yard. And in those moments, I felt... distracted. I wanted to be completely focused on God and the wonder of Christmas, and then focused on family, but my attention was being pulled away. By what, you ask? Take a guess... Yep, a guy. :/

We'd been in frequent contact, by messaging, and seeing each other at various things. Now I hadn't seen him for a few days, and we hadn't talked quite as much. However stupid it sounds, and was, I felt like I was going through withdrawal symptoms! I literally just wanted to sit down and message him all afternoon, but I knew that was both inappropriate, and rather disrespectful to my family!!

So I went to an upstairs bedroom with my Bible, and shut the door. I knew I had to sort this out or my heart would be in the wrong place all day. I confessed my feelings to God. And then I messaged my best friend/accountability partner, told her what was going on, and asked her to pray. Not seconds after I sent the message, it hit me.

This had to be spiritual attack to some degree at least!! Next to God, this guy was probably the thing that had the most hold on my heart and mind. So of course Satan would try to use him to tear God from first place! And especially on this day where Christ is supposed to be my special focus! Satan would do anything to destroy Christmas in my heart.

But I wasn't going to let him. I started praying.

Again I learnt that our Commander and the forces behind us are stronger than anything Satan can muster!! God worked in my heart, and refocused it on Him. All feelings of 'withdrawal' left, and I was honestly able spend time with my family without wanting to be talking to him. Praise the Lord!

For some of you sweet readers of my blog, Christmas day has been and gone for you. For some, it's still Christmas night. But even as this time of special remembrance winds down over the next few days, can I leave you a little reminder?

Don't get distracted. Yes, Satan will be chucking distractions at us left, right, and centre, but remember that you are free of his power!! Christ dwells in you, and He is stronger! Pray for focus in this time. Pray for a clear mind and an unbound heart. Pray for Christmas to be real to you.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

John 1:5

Merry Christmas!!!
Cassie xoxoxo

A New Phase of Relationships // Part 3

So I'd decided to talk to this guy. I needed to apologise for my behaviour.

I thought long and hard about what to say, practised with Mum, etc. Basically I was first going to ask if he felt he'd been getting mixed signals, ask how that made him feel, then explain and apologise.

To cut a long story short, when I asked if he felt he'd been getting mixed signals, he quickly said "No." That threw me! I had this perfect spiel prepared, now what was I supposed to say? Well, I double checked, and said that I felt like I'd been sending mixed signals and needed to apologise. "No, you're fine." Ok... So I just said "Well, whatever I do is just in friendship, Ok?" "OK."

So that was very different to what I was expecting! I'm 99% sure his "no" was completely untrue, that he was just taken by surprise and wasn't ready to talk about it. It was kinda frustrating - I really felt I needed to say sorry, but he wasn't going to admit I'd done anything wrong, so there wasn't much I could do! But I guess the end result is the same - he knows I don't want a relationship or anything right now.

I'm very thankful things didn't stay awkward for long afterwards - we've had several good chat conversations since then, and I'm still comfortable driving him to church etc. Our friendship is growing, which is awesome. It's kind of annoying though - I still have to be especially careful since for all I know he still likes me.

I guess now comes the lessons I've learnt. Well, here's a list:

• NEVER FLIRT unless you legitimately want a relationship. Ugh I thought I'd learnt this already - apparently not. :/ Hopefully I've learnt it now! 
• If you feel something's up with your behaviour, actually take time out to evaluate what and why and how to fix it! If I'd done that this would have been sooooo much easier.
• If you have something this complicated with a relationship of any kind, it's best to talk about it. Honestly, I'm glad I tried even though it didn't go exactly to plan. I feel we can still move on now, instead of wallowing in this what's-up-with-us-what-do-we-do-now tension. 
• Always let your parents know everything that's happening and ask them for help! Oh gosh, I can't imagine trying to navigate this on my own. I'm soooooo thankful for my parents and how they helped me sort things out. 
• Don't let backing up or an awkward situation stifle a friendship. Yes, I flirted, and had to tone down my behaviour. I've had to be way more careful with what I do or say. But that doesn't mean I have to stop being a friend, or being there for him like I would with anyone else. I don't have to stop talking to him or listening to him. Just because I had to cool my actions doesn't mean I have to be totally cold. I think that's a big mistake that can be made - letting repentance swing us too far the other way. Also - yes, we've just had a rather awkward time. But that doesn't need to be wallowed in. We kinda forced ourselves to get over it I think, which was good. 
• As always, God is faithful. He's gotten me through this crash-course in different guy-girl relationships. ;) 

And now my story is all told. :)

Cassie xoxoxo

A New Phase of Relationships // Part 2

The first half of these stories was quite chill really. A big deal, but over now, and OK, and not a huge amount to learn. This second half is different. Way different.

I guess I just start at the start, aye? Well, a bunch of us ex-grade 12s and our leaders went away for a few days. There were several guys going. I didn't 'like' any of them, but one I had gotten to know better recently, and had certainly started to admire a lot more. Well, over the course of the few days, I spent a lot of time with this guy - not particularly intentionally, but it happened. And... something awful happened.

I knew in my mind and heart that I didn't like this guy, that I definitely wouldn't date him at least for a few years, that he had many flaws. But there was a deep, more subconscious, almost 'lower level instinct' that was driving my behaviour. It took over, though I didn't fully realise it, and certainly didn't want it. Basically I ended up flirting with him the entire time. On the last night my leader asked if I thought he liked me... and that dragged everything into the light.

I realised I had been flirting, though not entirely deliberately, and even though a lot of things I'd done I would have done for and with any guy. And more than that... I realised that now he did like me. And that horrified me. I'd just been through this! How could another guy like me?! What if he asked me out? What do I do now?

More than that, I felt, and still feel, very guilty. I had pretty much just played with this guy's heart. I'd sent totally the wrong messages, and so when I realised I had to backtrack, cut back, tone down, be a bit colder, etc, which means now I've given him mixed signals. This guy is a precious child of God, and not only that, but probably one of His more fragile ones. He's been through a lot, and I'd promised to help him, and now I've gone and tampered with his heart. How could I?! I know it's not totally my fault - he probably did take some of my normal very-friendly-ness as flirting, etc. But honestly, when I face the facts, I am definitely majorly to blame. Which is awful. And I am more sorry than words can say.

So I wasn't quite sure what to do. Things weren't awkward, and I'd been working hard to send the right messages. But I wasn't sure whether to let things lie and cool down and hope we got through this well, or whether I needed to rip up those foundations, confess and explain to him and ask his forgiveness, and then start again.

After praying and talking to Mum and Dad, I decided to talk to him. I spent the morning sick with nerves while planning what to say.

How'd it go? I might save that for part 3. :)


Cassie xoxoxo

A New Phase of Relationships // Part 1

So school ends. Schoolies happens. And, in quick succession, I have two boy dramas. Like Someone decided to say "Guess what, you're out of school now, you'll have to start bracing for different guy problems. Oh, and here's a slap-in-the-face introduction to this new phase. You're welcome."
Me: *deep glare at said Person*
Said Person: *innocent grin*
Me: *sigh*

Well, I figured I would tell you about what's been happening, and what I've learnt from it all. So here we go - part 1.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It finally happened.

A guy told me he likes me for the first time.

And I had to reject him. For several reasons, key-est being that I'm nowhere near ready for a relationship at this stage.

Ug, I hated it. It made me sick all that afternoon and even the following morning. Honestly, it went down probably as well as it could. We're still friends, and now it's not awkward. But that doesn't make it easy in the slightest.

The worst thing? Knowing I'll have to do it again in the future, to other guys. I'm not looking forward to that.

I don't actually have a very spiritual lesson to draw from this... Though prayer support was VERY helpful. If I could give any advice, I guess it would have to be, be prepared. I've been thinking about how to let a guy down when it happens for years. Ok you don't have to think about it that long, but do plan. What are you reasons, or what could be? What's a gentle, yet firm, way to say it? Etc. Don't stress, but have a few ideas. It didn't fail me. :)

Cassie xoxoxo